Tuesday 20 May 2014

Jeremy Hates Society: First Paragraphs Of Chapter 1

Jeremy Hates Society is a book that I started writing today. I don't have a clue what it's going to be about so don't ask but I've had a lot of fun writing it today, I guess I'm just doing it as a hobby because I'm bored.

Here are the first paragraphs of Chapter 1:

Chapter 1

Jeremy was sat in his bedroom. He was looking out the window in an absent-minded kind of way, he had just woken up at his usual time (9:07 on the dot) and he was very happy with himself. He would have absolutely hated to wake up at a later time. Lord only knows what he would have done if he had woken up at 9:08, or, even worse than that, 9:10, or even 10:00, but that is just unthinkable. No, Jeremy was up, and he was out of bed, he was just waiting for the next alarm to ring at 9:15 so that he could go to the bathroom and brush his teeth. Then another alarm would set off at 9:18 which signified that it was time for him to get ready and put on his going out clothes for the day. Right now he was wearing his before toothbrush time and shower clothes, which was a plain white T Shirt (no stains, he washes his before toothbrush and shower clothes every day) and black trousers. At 9:08 precisely, the doorbell rang, Jeremy hurried down stairs, an excited looked across his young, clean-shaven face, and picked up this months issue of the magazine. The front of the magazine read something like this:

‘DO NOT WEAR JEANS ANYMORE, JEANS WENT OUT OF FASHION LAST WEEK, WHEN IT WAS THE END OF SUMMER, THIS WEEK IT IS AUTUMN, BROWN TROUSERS ARE IN FASHION, BECAUSE BROWN SIGNIFIES AUTUMN, EVERYONE WILL BE WEARING BROWN TROUSERS THIS AUTUMN. WILL YOU BE WEARING BROWN TROUSERS THIS AUTUMN? IF NOT THEN YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR SOCIAL LIFE, BECAUSE NO ONE WILL TALK TO YOU, OR AT LEAST, THEY WILL TALK TO YOU, BUT IN THEIR HEADS THEY WILL BE THINKING THAT YOU ARE A DISGUSTING MORON BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WEARING BROWN TROUSERS’

The little man inside Jeremy’s head woke up with a start and shouted: “FOR FUCKS SAKE JEREMY, LOOK AT THIS, THE MAGAZINE IS SAYING THAT YOU NEED TO BUY BROWN TROUSERS! YOU HAVEN’T GOT ANY BROWN TROUSERS HAVE YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! NOW EVERYONE IS GOING TO THINK THAT YOU’RE DIFFERENT! YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON, WHY DID YOU NOT BUY BROWN TROUSERS A WEEK BEFORE THE MAGAZINE WAS ON SALE, THEN YOU COULD BE LIKE DANIEL, WHO IS ALWAYS AHEAD OF THE TRENDS, WELL FUCKING DONE JEREMY, THE NEXT TIME DANIEL WILL SEE YOU, HE WILL MOCK YOU”

A feeling inside Jeremy’s head hit his brain like a lead balloon, this feeling could only be described as intense disappointment in his self. There was only one thing to do. Jeremy would have to go to the shops and buy brown trousers.

Jeremy went got dressed after 2 minute shower time as quickly as he could. He even missed his alarm for 5 and ½ minute breakfast time at 9:22, but he didn’t care, this was an urgent matter. As he feared, everyone in the streets was wearing brown trousers. Even the baby in the pram was wearing a small pair. The mother pushing the pram was wearing a green skirt. Jeremy thought to himself ‘What the hell is she playing at?” then reminded himself that she was in fact a woman, and that there was a separate monthly magazine for women. He was glad that he cleared that up in his mind. The woman was actually a very attractive woman, and looked exactly like the woman on Page 11 in last month’s issue of the magazine. Jeremy hoped to meet a woman that looked exactly like the woman on page 11 some day. He hoped against hope that it wouldn’t be today. What would the woman think if she saw him not wearing brown trousers?

On his trip to the trouser store, the usual annoying occurrences happened. Gassy, the local tramp man, begged him for money, and as per usual, spoke some poetry to him. It always annoys Jeremy when the local tramp does this. How would the local tramp feel if he, Jeremy, said some poetry to him? The little man inside his head popped up to say a funny joke, something about betting that the tramp would never in a million years be wealthy enough to buy brown trousers and he would never have the look to pull it off.

Jeremy’s relief with the brown trousers came very quickly. He went into the trouser store and found that there were plenty of brown trousers still left in stock. He brought 7 pairs, one for each day of the week, and he planned to wash one pair every day. The relief he felt when he knew that he would be in trend with this season was unbelievable. The shop assistant even let him change into his brown trousers in the changing room as a treat, she probably felt sorry for him because he was wearing jeans, and he explained to her that he might see a woman that looked like Page 11 in the magazine, and he didn’t want to suffer the humiliation of not wearing brown trousers in front of any woman who might possibly look like the woman on page 11 of the magazine. He looked at the shop assistant for a moment, she looked a bit like the girl from page 11 in the magazine, but then she told him that she really liked The Smiths, and he thought that The Smiths were soooooo depressing, so he stopped the conversation there and then, but, instead of doing the usual thing which is to say goodbye, he stared at the girl and said nothing, which gave him a massive sense of superiority, when he did this, he felt as though he could take on the world, he felt as though he was the leader of some obscure Asian country, like Korea or something like that. The fearful look on the woman’s face was amazing.

The little voice inside his head spoke up once again “You did good there my son, that woman is probably really scared that she’s said something wrong but she can’t quite put her finger on it, yet you made it out as though what she said was something wrong, you should be really proud of yourself, you’ve won the human race today”

Jeremy had a smile on his face for the rest of the day. He walked back to his penthouse apartment with a huge grin on his face. He even considered skipping, then he reminded himself that skipping on the streets is a really weird thing to do, and he was definitely not really weird, and why would he even want to be? Most people who are really weird get laughed at by people like Dan, who is always up on the trends. He had a lot of respect for people like Dan, the man who is always good with the fashion and the life of every party he attends. The amount of effort that Dan goes to is, in Jeremy’s opinion, very respectable, and that is what life is all about at the end of the day (at the end of the day), being respected by other people who mostly wear suits.

He sat in his flat and browsed the internet, he saw a picture of the famous man from the reality TV show called ‘In Bed With The Saxons’ that followed these teenagers who lived in a house and got really drunk all the time but were SO random so it’s ok, the man was wearing brown trousers, the caption of the photograph read:

‘In Bed With The Saxons’ famous celebrity star Andrew Doogooder enjoying his brown trousers, Andrew says ‘I sooo love my new brown trousers, I also like, collect buttons and stuff because I’m sooo random, but not only am I random, I’m also on trend with the fashions of the day, so you have to be like me if you want to be, like, soooo random and funny like me’.

Jeremy was extremely glad that he brought brown trousers now. Andrew Doogooder was another man who was hugely respected by Jeremy, because Andrew has obviously worked really hard to get to where he is.

All of a sudden there was a knock on the door. Jeremy opened it with the anticipation of 1000 suns [DISCLAIMER: I HAD TO THINK UP A METAPHOR FOR THIS PART OF THE NOVEL, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS METAPHOR THEN YOU CAN GO DROWN YOURSELF. FROM HAYDN] he opened the door, and to his utter disappointment, it was Larry the drug dealer, Jeremy hated Larry, in Jeremy’s opinion, Larry was an absolute waste of human breath and air, as well as space and time. Who the hell did Larry think he was? Selling bloody illegal things to people. What a waste of space.

“I’ve got a huge bag of heroin in my left pocket, do you want to come to a party tonight?” said Larry, in a husky voice that sounded like a chain smoker. Jeremy knew that he couldn’t silence himself out of this conversation, it was one thing silencing himself in front of the woman who looked like page 11 of the magazine in the store, but it’s another thing entirely to silence yourself in front of a drug dealer. He knew what drug dealers were, drug dealers were powerful, venomous people and are heavily connected to rapists and pedophiles obviously.

‘Do I look like I want to go to a party?’ asked Jeremy, in the most aggressive voice he could possibly rustle up from inside the pits of his vocal chords, he noticed that while he was saying this sentence, Larry was rolling up a huge cigarette, this cigarette didn’t smell of the usual kind of cigarette though. Jeremy could not help but be intrigued. ‘Larry, what is that cigarette you’re rolling there, it smells really funny!’ said Jeremy, in a casual voice as though the last sentence that he said never happened. ‘Oh this?’ said Jeremy, ‘This is my grandma’s finest, want a drag?’ Jeremy stopped for a second. Would Dan, the man who is always at one in the fashion universe and the life in any party he attends, smoke a drag of Larry’s grandma’s finest?

The little voice spoke up inside Jeremy’s head “Do you remember what Andrew from In Bed With The Saxons said on Episode two?” Jeremy thought for a second, and then remembered what Andrew said in episode 2 of In Bed With The Saxons, he said something like “Hey guys, I’m sooooo random, I love collecting buttons and drinking some vodka mixed with wine, who mixes wine and vodka anyway, I am soooo random, yeah I’ll have a drag of that”.


So Jeremy decided in his mind and said ‘Yeah, I’ll have a drag of that’. He had a drag of it then he felt something that he had never felt ever before in his mind. All of a sudden, everything seemed highly amusing. The sheer idea of going to a party seemed absolutely amazing to Jeremy, and hilarious, so Jeremy accepted the party invitation straight away. The voice in his head was jumping up and down and shouting in despair, he was saying something like “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING JEREMY! DANIEL WILL THINK YOU’RE REALLY WEIRD FOR GOING TO A PARTY WITH A DRUG DEALER, DO NOT GO TO THE PARTY! NO, DON’T WALK OUT OF THE DOOR, DON’T FOLLOW HIM! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!” But Jeremy thought that this was really funny, he didn’t care about Daniel anymore, as far as Jeremy was concerned, in this state of mind, Daniel was nothing more than a useless tosser, desperately trying to cling on to this ‘funny guy, life of the party’ image that he had going for him ever since his first day of being on the popular table at College. The only thing  that mattered at this point in time, was attending this party and laughing at things.